come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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