If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
