anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
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We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
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Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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