Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
