I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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