mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
