matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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