and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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