Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
