my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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