I smell stomach acid.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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