if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
