Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
