So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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