you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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