4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
