I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
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I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
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Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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