can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
