The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
