dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
