Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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