This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Randomize
