OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
