I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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