I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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