I want to make a zoo with you.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
