Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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