He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
