Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
