omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
