She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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