my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
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So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize