Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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