Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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