Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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