I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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