My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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