Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize