What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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