found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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