I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
this is an emotional support booty call
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
