I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
