you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I'm like, not good at living.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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