Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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