Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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