I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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