Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
