I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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