I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
