he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
