I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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