Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
