Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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