That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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