that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
