I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Let's paint friendship bongs
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
